More Reviews
Midwest Book Review:
Reviewer: Sherry Russell, Grief Management Specialist, Midwest Book Review
"I left Mom's house stripped, whipped, naked, and destroyed." Heal & Forgive is the author's potent account of the raw abusive underbelly of human nature and the triumph over it.
Thinking about child abuse puts most people in an uncomfortable zone yet many people are abusive without realizing it. Telltale signs of abuse are being uncovered daily. Healing from abuse is walking a complicated grief path of multiples losses. Working through the trauma takes on a power. The power of healing is the ability to reshape your life.
The author courageously rips through the barriers of denial, leaving the crude truth exposed. Richards's gutsy mission of cleaning out the wounds of abuse and setting new boundaries is humbling. As the author searches through the rearview mirror of her life, she learns that healing first is the foundation for true forgiveness.
The perfect punctuation mark to her lessons is the purging of the patterns of abuse. By shedding her layers of pain, anger and confusion, she transforms her life and the life of those she touches.
This is an excellent book for abuse survivors and for those dealing with or helping abuse survivors. ^top
From Amazon.com:
***** Powerful, Fast-Paced, and Empowering , June 13, 2005
Reviewer: David Kleist ( Emmaus , PA ) -
Nancy Richards has written a poignant memoir that should be read by a wide audience. It opens with her early life as a well-adjusted child in a happy, healthy family; but soon it veers to the death of her father, the remarriage of her
mother, and the onset of physical and emotional abuse from her stepfather and, through enabling and collaboration, her own mother.
Ms. Richards' journey through adolescence, young adulthood, to mature adulthood is vividly recounted. Any reader whose journey has been analogous to Richards' will readily identify with her attempts to give voice to--and then cope
with the consequences of--her childhood abuse.
I found myself underlining or bracketing large portions of the second half of the book. Richards not only was betrayed by her mother and stepfather but also was scapegoated by her own brothers and other relatives as being the "sick"
one, the "troublemaker," the girl who never liked to be hugged and who always gave her mother a hard time. Even community members outside of her immediate family who saw the bruises and the blood refused to help or to even acknowledge that something was wrong.
For a victim of childhood abuse (and I am one myself), few things are more damning or confusing than the utter refusal of family or friends to speak up on one's behalf. It's a double-whammy: one quickly learns to "cover" for the abusers and to blame oneself for the evils. How could parents, the ultimate protectors and nurturers, possibly hurt their own flesh and blood?
America as a whole is in utter denial over the not uncommon abuse of children and adolescents by parents and relatives. Europe much more readily accepts the "divorcing" of one's own parents; but here, with a blind allegiance to the Old
Testament's "Honor one's mother and father" and a nearly complete neglect of the true meaning behind "Loving one's neighbor (or child) as oneself," we perpetuate the treating of children as property and the goings-on within any "nuclear family" as inviolable, untouchable--none of our own business.
Because of this, Richards' account is a much-needed one. Her own steps toward health and wholeness are realistic and clear-sighted. Although she advocates forgiveness, she states that true forgiveness can come only with acknowledgement, reparation, and change on the part of the abuser(s). Self-preservation takes precedence over blind and blanket allegiance/forgiveness. One cannot love others as oneself if one loves oneself so little that that Self is
permitted to be the object of continued (and unacknolwedged) abuse.
I am grateful that Nancy Richards has had the courage to publish this intelligent, sensitive exploration of her own experiences that so mirror the experiences of many others. ^top
***** A refreshing perspective on forgiveness , June 10, 2005
Reviewer: Andrew Parodi ( Gervais , Oregon United States )
In "Heal & Forgive: Forgiveness in the Face of Abuse," author Nancy Richards seamlessly blends a compelling narrative of her own struggle to forgive, with insightful advice on how the reader can work toward forgiveness in his or her own life.
I found Richards' perspective to be refreshing and surprising. Contrary to what many other guides on forgiveness seem to advocate, Richards says that it was by "not forgiving" that she found healing in regard to her situation with her family. What Richards means is that we should not push ourselves into forgiveness, because that can often be a type of false forgiveness that can actually lead to more complications down the road. The individual must first acknowledge what has happened and admit to how he or she feels. The individual should not feel any pressure to forgive.
I found this to be a refreshing perspective because after years in the self-help and recovery movement, I have been exposed to a lot of "shaming" in regard to forgiveness. In other words, it seems that there is the tendency for some people to suggest that those who are angry, those who have not yet forgiven, are un-enlightened, bad people, who need to just cheer up and get over it already. As Richards points out, before one can "get over it" and move on, one has to admit to what has happened, one has to allow oneself to be angry and to "not forgive." After all of this, true forgiveness can come. ^top
***** Validating , May 27, 2005
Reviewer: Niki Collins Queen "author" ( Forsyth , Georgia USA
My story was written on every page of Nancy Richards' book "Heal and Forgive." This page-turner is inspiring, validating and wise. Her heartbreaking life story shows that forgiveness is not a single act but a life work that has many layers and many seasons.
In sharing her recovery Richards offers a healing blueprint for physical and emotional abuse, a mother's lifelong rejection, and being viewed as an enemy by siblings. She shows how to move from her personal betrayal to the larger collective betrayal we all face.
She illustrates how forced forgiveness and forgiveness in order to heal is shallow and does not last. We need to heal first in order to forgive. Forgiveness without healing is from a position of weakness. She says forgiveness is not a choice but a process that results from healing. Only when we work towards healing does forgiveness become a realistic goal.
Richards chose to stop seeing her mother and take care of herself when her mother continued to heap contempt on her and be oblivious to her feelings. She said the act of not forgiving her mother liberated her from her abuse and set her free to forgive. She stated, "I never would have been able to forgive my mother if I still had a relationship with her."
Her story shows how healing comes with self-preservation and self-compassion when we feel safe to acknowledge and talk about our injuries and begin to deal with the trauma. Richards said, "Each time I thought I had finished mourning, another wave of heart breaking losses emerged. However as I peeled away each layer of pain, I grew stronger." ^top